Then again, maybe all of this is a horrible idea.

Besides, you’ve probably gotten the motor/battery/whatever fixed by now, so the car is able to be driven into immovable objects once again.

In similar freaky news from my own past, years ago, approximately a week after I bolted from the cops on my motorcycle for the first time ever (which was successful), some other random motorcyclist my age (early 20s) speeding away from the cops (like I had done) lost control, crashed, and died on the front lawn of a friend of mine. His head was bashed on the edge of a brick base of the light pole, a couple feet from the walkway leading up to the house — not even having the decency to have his fatal impact on a secluded region of the property, but front and center. He had a helmet, but helmets aren’t rated for hitting a corner made of brick at 60 mph or whatever his body was flying at. That’s some fucked up shit.

At least your coworker didn’t leave his dead body on your lawn. My friend had to see the blood residue every time he entered/exited his house, until the rain washed the brick and grass clean. I’m not sure that hosing it off deliberately would’ve been a more palatable option than trying to avoid it.

After that incident, I made a note to self to never run from the cops on my motorcycle again, so I don’t end up like that guy. The timing of it seemed awfully coincidental and similar to my life, as if it were a message to me from the universe to stop doing that. Too many variables are not in the control of a motorcycle rider when he’s going fast on city streets, and especially suburb streets.

Getting back to your topic, I’m not so sure the news about your friend is sad, though. Personally, I feel imprisoned in this life, like an animal in captivity. Sharks die in captivity. Elephants and other animals lose their desire for life in captivity too. Me being primarily home-bound has nothing to do with how I feel. If I was a world-traveler, I’d feel the same.

It’s about the rules of nature being indescribably cruel and fucked up and inescapable. The system runs on cruelty. Evolution wouldn’t work without suffering. People couldn’t eat without killing (counting plants too).

Growing older unavoidably involves loss of people you love, loss of your health, loss of cherished ideals (which are part of your sense of identity), and loss of your faculties — both physical and mental ones. I don’t like the rules of the game and wish my existence was in some other realm.

I’ve long been a supporter of the idea of suicide for people who are suffering a lot. Life sucks bad enough for people who are reasonably healthy, let alone the chronically miserable. But, I also envy them for being free (via suicide), while us “healthy” people are stuck to continue our roles in the torture chamber that is this universe.

Kari